Don't Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency, by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, Dr. Tim Clinton, Ann McMurray
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Don't Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency, by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, Dr. Tim Clinton, Ann McMurray
Download Ebook PDF Online Don't Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency, by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, Dr. Tim Clinton, Ann McMurray
"You complete me" may be a romantic line in a popular movie, but it's not a healthy basis for a real relationship. Unfortunately, many people are drawn into relationships that are unfulfilling precisely because they are looking to other people to fill in the places where they are lacking--they are looking for a person who will "complete" them. At the heart of relationship dependency is a person's belief that he or she alone is not enough. But using others to provide wholeness simply does not work, because while we are made to be relationship dependent, it is God we must turn to in order to find wholeness.In a warm, engaging style, Drs. Jantz and Clinton walk readers through patterns of relationship dependency, helping them unravel why they are drawn back to the same dry well of unfulfilled relationships over and over again. Readers will discover how to break the cycle, banish their fears, and find wholeness in the God who designed them to be in relationship first and foremost with him, thus freeing them to find healthy relationships with others. Includes a twelve-week personal recovery plan.
Don't Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency, by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, Dr. Tim Clinton, Ann McMurray- Amazon Sales Rank: #472547 in Books
- Published on: 2015-09-01
- Released on: 2015-09-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .51" w x 5.50" l, .0 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
From the Back Cover Do you fall into the same dead-end relationships time after time?Are you still searching for that one person who will make you feel complete?What if that's not actually what you need to feel happy and fulfilled?When we look to other people to fill in the places where we are lacking, our relationships are virtually guaranteed to be unfulfilling. Because at the heart of this kind of relationship is a belief that alone we are not enough. Nothing could be further from the truth.In a warm, engaging style, Drs. Jantz and Clinton help you unravel why you're drawn back to the same types of people and relationships over and over again. You'll learn how to break the cycle of relationship dependency, focus on finding wholeness as a unique individual, and discover the key to finding a healthy relationship that lasts.Dr. Gregory L. Jantz is the award-winning and bestselling author of more than twenty-five books, including Controlling Your Anger before It Controls You and Hope and Healing from Emotional Abuse. He is the founder of the Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc. (www.aplaceofhope.com) in Washington and hosts a popular radio program, Overcoming with Dr. Jantz.Dr. Tim Clinton is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), executive director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies, professor of counseling and pastoral care at Liberty University and Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, and a licensed professional counselor. He is also the coauthor of the Quick-Reference Guide to Counseling series of books.Ann McMurray has coauthored several books, including Controlling Your Anger before It Controls You. She lives in Washington and is operations manager at the Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.
About the Author Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, is the award-winning and bestselling author of more than twenty-five books, including Controlling Your Anger Before It Controls You and Hope and Healing from Emotional Abuse. He is the founder of The Center for Counseling & Health Resources, Inc., (www.aplaceofhope.com) in Washington, and hosts a popular radio program, Overcoming with Dr. Jantz. A frequent guest on various radio and TV shows, Jantz is also a regular columnist for the Huffington Post.Dr. Tim Clinton is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), executive director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies, professor of counseling and pastoral care at Liberty University and Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, and a licensed professional counselor. He is also the coauthor of the Quick-Reference Guide to Counseling series of books.Ann McMurray has coauthored several books, including Controlling Your Anger Before It Controls You. She lives in Washington.
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Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful. My clients love this book because they can relate to the experiences ... By AvidReader This book is helpful to those who may be in an addictive cycle with relationships. My clients love this book because they can relate to the experiences described in the chapters. The way towards change is mapped out in a way that is easy to understand and implement.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. Gently helps the reader to recognize & change unhealthy relationship patterns By Debbie "Don't Call It Love" is a book that describes relationship dependency and how to break that cycle. I've had difficultly understanding why a teenager I mentor seems to seek out chaotic, emotional roller coaster relationships. This book did help me understand where she's coming from, but it's intended to be read by someone who needs help rather than someone who wants to help. The overall tone of the book was encouraging and hopeful.The majority of the book was a series of questions, lists, and descriptions relating to relationship dependency. The authors described various traits of relationship dependency, the 8-phase addicted-to-relationships cycle, and the fears that drive this behavior. They explored how emotional and spiritual abuse contributes to relationship dependency. (Spiritual abuse is when someone deliberately uses God's approval--and this someone "speaks" for God--to control another person.) They also explained how brain chemistry can reinforce bad patterns of behavior, how this can be retrained, and various attachment styles.Finally, they talked about the truths you need to know to replace the lies that feed relationship dependency. The authors are Christians, so these truths are based on Biblical truths. This included more questions and lists, but these showed how knowing the truth changes the answers that you might have previously given. They also included a 12 week recovery plan that gives a prayer, Bible verse, the truth learned from that verse, and actions to take that week.The book gently helps the reader to recognize and admit unhealthy relationship patterns in their lives and encourages them to want something better. I think it'd help someone frustrated with their relationships.I received an ebook review copy of this book from the publisher through NetGalley.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. Arresting the "Addictive Cycle" On the Road to Healing By Dr Conrade Yap Relationships are necessary. They are crucial for the proper functioning in society. They form the glue for many. Without them, we are like robots. Relationships are also important. The trouble comes when we misunderstand the proper place of relationships and to over-emphasize its importance. One such problem is codependency. In the words of two medical doctors, it is simply "relationship dependency" that comes about when a person simply cannot function in life without them. Such a person "has difficulty loving or trusting self and needs relationships to provide validation and value."Right from the start, the five diagnostic questions had me probing things about myself. When talking about ourselves, how difficult can it be to come up with ten words? How many of these words are positive and how many are negative? According to the authors' research, they find that lots of people have way too negative views about themselves. They show us at least twenty "dependent personality traits," such as needing constant reassurance; validation from others; unable to disagree or assert ourselves; jumping to another relationship when one ends; and so on. They guide readers toward a deeper level of understanding of such traits through the recognition of patterns of dependency. Using an "addictive cycle" model, eight phases are identified.Search: A frantic lookout for someone to grab on to.Attraction: Believing one can only be secure by clinging on someone, one is drawn to another so as to fill one's emptiness.Relief: Immediate relief comes when a person is foundAnxiety: Fears start to appear the moment the person does not seem to meet one's expectationsDenial: Adopting all kinds of behaviour just to prove one is not insecure despite the evidenceEscalation: Panic steps in when one sees the relationship waning, resulting in escalation of steps to protect and to cement the relationshipSwitching: A move from a I-want-You to a You-Owe-Me.Withdrawal: An emotional downward spiral when a relationship is lost.Jantz is the founder of the Center for Counseling and Health Resources based in Washington while Clinton is President of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Together they help to clear the decks of addiction and to discover the unhealthy dependency traits. Just like alchoholic addiction, the road to recovery begins with a recognition that such dependency is likened to being addicted to poison, not promise. In the words of Jantz and Clinton, we cannot call it "love." We must take the fears of unhealthy dependency by the horns and face them head on with courage. Boldly face the fears of exposure, emptiness, abandonment, insignificance, rejection, and so on. They point out the link between one's emotional abuse and relationship dependency. They look at how spiritual abuse can also contribute toward such unhealthy dependencies Both physical and spiritual abuse include patterns of manipulation. They also look at the scientific reasons on brain chemistry. After all these essential groundwork, they provide us three steps forward in breaking the relationship dependency cycle.The first step is to learn about attachment styles to help us move from unhealthy to healthy relationships. The fundamental attachment style is that of a parent-child relationship. The "secure attachment style" is about feeling safe, feeling loved, and being able to trust others. They are secure in who they are. The "ambivalent attachment style" experience inconsistent love at childhood. They are distrusting of others and often seek verification. Constantly on a lookout for love and affection, they may even manipulate others in order to get the love that they want. The "avoidant attachment style" on the other hand wants intimacy but cannot find someone suitable to cling on to. They then adopt the avoidance and the abandonment method. Not only are they unable to find someone to connect with, they grow in being unwilling to do anything about it, and to go solo. The "disorganized attachment style" has no consistent pattern except that they are none of the earlier three styles. They are the catch-all type when they do not fit any of the above. In order to know ourselves better, it is good to see where we fit into these.The second step is to recognize that the core of healthy relationship dependency is to cultivate the inner man. Loved people love people. We need God. We may fool others but God is not fooled. When we are disillusioned with God, we invariably become disillusioned with people and the things of this world. When the root relationship is mended and reconciled, it sparks the road to recovery. Just being a Christian does not exempt one from unhealthy dependencies on one another. For such relationships is essentially idolatry. We idolize others as the solution to our needs. We idolize ourselves into thinking that the world owe us. In the love of God, we grow out of this spiritual security toward a healthy attachment that loves others and oneself.The third step is to put everything into practice. With the step of faith, we learn to be honest with ourselves. We begin with our broken selves and to take a snapshot of who we are. We then acknowledge that we cannot help ourselves and to let God rescue us. The "Twelve Weeks to Wellness" plan helps us do just that. I like that list.- A weekly prayer list- A weekly Scripture passage to illustrate the love and grace of God- A weekly statement to affirm our dependency on God- A weekly action plan and a "radar of faith"- A weekly gratitude listThis book is a reminder that we are not as strong as we may think. Neither are we as weak as we may presume. All of us carry wounds and a past with various states of brokenness. Even our relationships are not perfect. Some of our friends and loved ones no longer want to connect with us. Others cling on to us like glue. With the diagnostic questions in this book, not only can we discover more about ourselves now, we can use it as an opportunity to do periodic flashbacks on our past. Just because we do not feel a certain way now does not mean we will never do so in the future. We are all vulnerable. For people who are desperate for someone to cling onto right now, this book is the life buoy to keep us afloat enough so that we do not drown the one we desire to cling on to. For people who encounter those with manipulative tendencies, it may give them strategies to guard themselves from becoming victims. At the same time, it enables them to understand why certain people behave that way. I would caution anyone from being too quick to jump to conclusion about other people's attachment styles. If needed, seek a professional counselor. Relationships can be very complicated and no Do-It-Yourself book or manual can solve it. Those who feel like they can be a blessing and a healing agent to those in emotional need will do best to ensure they stand on firm foundations in the first place. My prayer is that believers in Christ will find their safety and security in Christ alone. From that position, extend a hand of friendship, with the backing of the Word of God, and the practical strategies available in this book. Who knows, when we recognize the signs of dependency in others, we can become a bridge for God to heal relationships, if necessary, through us.Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.conradeThis book is provided to me courtesy of Revell Publishers and Graf-Martin Communications in exchange for an honest review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
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